Strange Wilderness

11 08 2009


**Warning this is a long one but a good one…that’s what she said**

Although my blog/RL buddies imthinking and tjbro have already created their own tales of our swashbuckling experience through the dense forests of Canada, I feel it is my duty to fill in the missing details with my own brand of truthiness.

So, let’s begin at the beginning instead of beginning at the end like so many poorly written Hollywood movies. Alright, Last week as the old crew gathered in our home town, my friend Jerry (imthinking) got the idea to go hiking through Algonquin park in Ontario, Canada. A few of the more outdoorsy of us (myself included) thought to ourselves “Yeah let’s fucking do this, Bring It ON!” ,or something similar to that. So the day was set for a week later. Being as awesome as we are, we decided to take the 35km Highland trails in the time frame of about 1 1/2 days (recommended 3 day hike, yikes ). We arrived at the trails at about noon on Saturday, full packs ready to go on our backs…and so the journey began {insert Lord of the Rings music here}. About 30 seconds into our hike we encountered the first of what would be an unending supply of grueling uphills strategically designed by God to make sure we permanently lost the use of of legs by the end of this. The path was epically tough, but stunningly beautiful as we strolled on through dense forest all day passing by amazing creeks, plants, wildlife and waterfalls, but throughout the whole trek there was one constant…this place was filled with mushrooms. Everywhere we looked there were mushrooms, some of which Jerry claimed were “edible” but I’m sure he was just trying to get us high and take advantage of us while in a hallucinated state. Anyway, I am almost positive that Algonquin park used to be the mushroom kingdom and I was sure we would run into Bowser soon enough. Here’s an artist’s vague representation:


So, moving on…After walking all day and particularly motoring it in the last 2km we reached ur campsite and collapsed in a joygasm on the ground. Now let me tell you people, you have no idea how long 17km really is until you’ve spent 5 1/2 hours walking with a heavy pack on your back, uphill both ways and nothing but “purified” creek water to drink. 

That night we spent our time roasting sausage over the fire, taking a swim in the cool lake and wondering whether the girls across the lake were old enough, a.k.a 18 and older u pervs, to play hide the tea cup in the tent…they weren’t, thus destroying our dreams and leading to much brooding that night. So, instead of having our wilderness fantasies fulfilled we sang unorthodox campfire songs (Bohemian Rhapsody, Fuck Her Gently, Journey, etc), joked around and shared some laughs until we were ready to pass out. It was at just this time that the Chupacabra’s amphibian cousin which I dubbed the El Chupalibre Pamplemousse decided to stalk around our campsite making us realize it would probably be safer to share a tent instead of being separated so we could be picked off one by one. Thus began an uncomfortable and sleepless night (having no pillow sucks) as we all shared the three person tent which I brought, keeping our hunting knives close at hand. I’ll skip to the morning because I don’t wanna talk about it ok [sobs and shivers with fear].

Ok so the next day we “woke up” if that’s what you want to call it seeing as how we barely got any sleep, and made a huge breakfast to give us enough energy to survive the remaining 18km we had to face that day. After consuming a metric ton of oatmeal, purifying some lake water to drink and packing everything back up we continued our voyage {insert Lord of the Rings music again}. Once we had hiked for about 15 minutes that morning I made the mistake of thinking “this isn’t as bad today” so nature turned around and metaphorically kicked me in the nuts as right then and there a huge thunderstorm started that would rage on for hours as we trudged through the forest soaking wet. The forest was still awesome and all with the plants and the mushrooms and frogs and stuff but we just wanted to get the hell out of there so we motored. We flew through the trees that day and destroyed our bodies in the process. The rain kept our body temperatures down which made it a bit easier to keep walking, burning through 8km in just under 2 1/2 hours. Along the way we noticed a set of moose prints that seemed to be from a moose that was most likely just a little bit ahead of us. That was until I came across what looked like wolf prints and the tracks mysteriously stopped *gulp*. So after walking past what was probably an epic moose massacre it was about 2 PM and the rain finally stopped. Thanks to this we were able to enjoy a cool breeze and some sunshine as we took the final break of the day before finishing up the trek (wish I had a picture of this). Finally after 27 hours 22 minutes and some change we emerged from the mushroom kingdom, drenched with sweat, tired, dehydrated and REALLY hungry. That evening we chose a classy victory meal of Wendy’s double cheese burgers and Dairy Queen, oh Yeah! After that we simply parted ways and returned home to collapse in broken heaps on the floor. My legs were a broken pile of mush, Thom’s (tjbro) feet had turned into giant blisters and torn skin and Jerry claimed he felt fine…but he is a chronic liar and masturbator so no one listens to him anyways. Thus ended our journey through middle-earth/the mushroom kingdom/Algonquin Park/Pee wee’s playhouse.

To all my readers I just want to say that you should all experience something this awesome. Get out there, experience the world…just give yourself more than a day if you’re doing something as crazy as us lol. My legs still haven’t recovered from this. Cheers everybody


P.S Here are our Heroes just before we embarked on our mystical Journey: